Bronx Bombshell Broadway Baby

ill equipped

There’s a lot of things I’m not equipped to handle. My dad has been getting confused a lot more lately and it’s scaring the shit out of me. Yes, he’s 82. Yes, he is back on Percocet so it could be because of both of those things and I really hope it is. With all my heart and soul, I hope it’s those things. Because if it’s anything else, especially the A word, I won’t be able to hold anything in. I will be a mess, worse than I am now. Cause he will have to go to a facility where people with skills and degrees and experience can watch over him because I can’t do it and he can’t live alone.

I know I worry too much and I panic but that’s the thing - I don’t stop worrying. I can’t. I’m unable. I didn’t leave my house today - that sounds relaxing right? Well it should have been but my brain doesn’t slow down, it doesn’t give me a break. I have no peace. It’s like if I relax, that’s when the shitstorm will start. 

He has chemo tomorrow and I’ll take him and I’ll do the same things I do every time I take him to chemo but on the inside, I will be in the fetal position. 

How do you take care of your father while missing your mother? I’m genuinely asking. I don’t have the answers. I don’t know the source of the pain anymore - there are too many. The stress….I gotta talk to someone. 

I try to distract myself but it’s temporary and yeah, temporary’s great but when all is said and done and I don’t have either parent in my life, I’m a little scared of how I’ll react to that. 

Like I said, ill equipped. I’d been to funerals before and I’m always sad when someone dies but nothing prepares you for when the first major loss in your life is the person who gave you life, your Mom, there needs to be like a guidebook or a fucking grief fairy from a Disney movie that helps you. 

It feels like

every week is more exhausting than the previous one. I am emotionally wiped all the time. 

Everything I do concerning my father is my choice and I’ll own that but I am not lying when I say, if I don’t do it, it won’t get done….cause it wouldn’t. My siblings are not monsters but I really just don’t understand where their heads are. I really don’t. I’m not Superwoman over here. This shit is taking its’ toll on me more than it is on them. 

I feel like I have 1000 feelings and I try not to burden anyone with them cause I don’t want to be a buzzkill. I also question if those feelings are real or me being over sensitive. It’s exhausting, it really is. It’s a goddamn miracle I haven’t had a nervous breakdown yet. There’s a lot of on my shoulders and I feel like none of it is coming off. 

I feel like people are pulling away from me cause I don’t know what to talk to them about without sounding like a broken record of whining. And I wish they’d tell me cause I’m not a mind reader. 

That’s my biggest thing - communication. Nobody can communicate anymore! And if someone has ignored my feelings in the past, I don’t tell them ever again cause I don’t need to be ignored. 

It’s just a shame cause I love my friends. I try to be a good friend and I think for the most part, I am. I cherish them as much as I can. I would do almost anything for them to make them happy, or help them. And I need my friends because my family is going to be the reason I go to an early grave. 

andrewmientus:

how bout a musical starring all the broadway actors whose nbc shows didn’t get picked up for another season

(Source: mattdoyle)

Here’s what I don’t get

about grief. I can be ok, not 100% but ok for weeks and then there’s a day - and it has nothing to do with PMS cause I haven’t gotten my period since December (once I get insurance, I’ll sort that out) - that I am the world’s biggest baby. I am tears, just tears with feet. I cried making my salad. I don’t know if it’s cause Mother’s Day is soon, and then the 9 month mark is 2 days after that or it’s stress or the changes that are happening….but there’s always a day where I’m a mess….a bigger mess than most days. Today’s that day. 

Maybe I really do need to talk to someone. After all, I have no idea how this is supposed to work. I try not to be a blubbering mess in front of people. I try to put on a happy face, fake it til you make it. There are days where I feel ok but I’m not because no matter what, I am forever changed. 

There’s always stuff I want to tell my Mom and I go “Well, can’t tell her.” and normally, I can get past it. Today, it’s like a switch went off and I’m unable to go back to the ok setting. I miss her every day. That’s a pain that does not go away. You just live with it. I don’t know how people live with it. Like that little girl on Ellen, who had cancer or has cancer and they made her a covergirl and she appears to be dealing with it in an impossibly mature way and I know everyone’s different and people react to things differently. 

I go through each day open to joy. Some days I find it easily, some days I have to work for it. When I go to my Dad’s and it feels like a kick in the chest, that’s a hard f’n day but I will always continue to try to be happy. That’s not to say I don’t allow myself to be sad, course I do. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. I can’t let this defeat me. 

GUYS PLEASE HELP

not-such-a-clever-boy:

not-such-a-clever-boy:

MY BESTFRIEND’S SISTER WAS TAKEN TODAY AT 11:30 EST
SHE WAS PICKED UP IN A BLACK SUV VAN AND IS SUPPOSEDLY IN THE NORWOOD, ONTARIO AREA
I DO NOT HAVE A PICTURE OF HER UNFORTUNATELY

5’8, 135 pounds. Black hair with multiple piercings.
Please, /please/ reblog this.

(Source: kirkks)